Courtship

*This was a talk that I gave in my Sunday School class this past Sunday in honor of Valentine’s Day. I thought I would post it here so that you could read about our family’s view on romance and marriage.*

Courtship. Most Americans today would not be able to define it. The majority of people in America today find a marriage partner through “dating.” Interestingly, the practice of dating as we know it has only been common in the last 60 years or so. Prior to that, marriages were arranged through betrothals or courtships.

When most people think of courtship, they think of their grandmother sitting in the parlor with her suitor, while an older relative glares over them. I would like to share with you my understanding of “modern” courtship. A few of these points will be familiar from last week, but I’d like to elaborate on them.

·         First, what is Modern Courtship?

o   Courtship is waiting for and trusting God’s timing. In courtship, I would wait until I am old enough to get married to even consider romance. Even then, I will wait until I believe God has brought along the person he has chosen for me as my life-mate. When that happens, the young man will ask his parents--and mine--for permission to “court” me. If my parents, his parents, and I agree to this courtship, we will begin spending time with each other, and each other’s families, for the purpose of determining whether this is the person God has chosen for us.

·         What’s wrong with dating/why practice courtship?

o   I believe there are several problems with dating.

1.    Dating hurts people. For those of you who have ever dated anyone, I would be interested in knowing if you have been in a dating relationship where somebody didn’t get hurt. In most relationships, somebody gets burned. I have seen it happen multiple times. It is so painful to watch, I cannot imagine what it must be like to be involved. We are exhorted by Paul in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 to “encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” When you are dumped in a dating relationship, it is not an encouraging or uplifting event!

2.    A Dating mindset can cause wrong or lustful thoughts. The main purpose of dating is for pleasure, especially when pursued at a young age. It is often mainly for physical pleasure. Hence, our minds can turn to wrong or lustful thoughts. Young men especially have difficulties with lust. In Exodus 20:14 it says, “You shall not commit adultery.” You may be thinking, “I would never do that!” But in Matthew 5:28 it says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” We are commanded to not even think those thoughts. Instead we need to dwell on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

3.    With the wrong mindset, we can stumble into sin. When we have the dating mindset of pleasure and “what will benefit ME,” it is very easy to veer down the wrong path. In James 1:15 we are told of the consequences of sin. “Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” We may think that our sins are hidden, and no one else can see them but us. But in Hebrews 4:13 it says, “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.” That’s pretty sobering!

4.    A “pleasure mindset” can cause those of us who are Christians to “reason with ourselves” that it’s okay to date a non-Christian, as long as he’s a “good guy.” The Bible has a lot to say about this! Dating a person who is not a Christian can lead to sin, or to marriage to an unbeliever. The Bible clearly states in 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” It also says in 1 Corinthians 7:39 “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” There is no “maybe” in either of these verses. Christians are commanded not to get romantically involved with someone who is not a Christian. It also tells us not to even keep company with these people in 1 Corinthians 15:33. It says “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”

5.    By dating we become occupied with flirting and the likes, and we can become distracted from the plans God has for us. When we are preoccupied with our latest infatuation, we miss so much of what could have been accomplished in our teen years. In Ephesians 2:10 it says “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” This period in our lives can be amazingly productive and fruitful, if we give God our full attention.

6.    By dating, we are following the ways of the world, and this makes us more vulnerable to cave in to peer pressure, and live up to the worlds’ low expectations of teenagers. In 1 Timothy 4:12 we are told, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” Paul is talking to his young protégé Timothy, telling him not to let his young age prevent him from preaching and teaching Christ to others. As young men and women, we can be a radiant, shining example to not just our peers, but everyone. By NOT following the ways of the world, we have so many more opportunities to witness to others about our faith, because we stand out as different. Jesus stood out as “different” and “unlike everybody else”. If we are striving to be like Christ, we should stand out as different in a good way, the way Christ did.

o   So, why practice courtship? Because courtship counters all of the above. In a courtship relationship people do not get hurt because of being “dumped” by someone. I will not say that there is absolutely no pain when the person you think God has for you, says no to courtship. But lustful and wrong thoughts do not occur because your motives are not for mere pleasure, but for a permanent union of marriage with the person God has for you! Therefore, if those are our motives, we will be less likely to fall into the sin trap that so easily tangles us.

In a courtship relationship we will not court a non-believer, which will prevent much turmoil and heartbreak later on after we are married. When we choose courtship, we are single until we are old enough to get married; therefore we are not distracted from the great and wonderful plans that God has in store for us right now! We are completely free to serve Him and be a light and witness for Him. In 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 it says “An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”

We will also be countering the world’s low standards for young men and women. We will be an even more radiant light when we are willing to serve God and completely surrender ourselves to Him and His purposes and plans.

·         What happens if I believe that I have found that person, but my parents don’t approve of him/her?

o   The Bible commands us in Ephesians 6:1-2 “Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.  Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” It also commands us in Colossians 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” We are commanded many times throughout scripture to obey our parents. Our parents can see things in a person that we may not be able to see. Their advice and opinion need to be of high value in our courtship relationship.

·         What if I don’t have Christian parents who share my values?

o   This can be a difficult situation. More than likely, if you choose to wait for the person that God has for you, your parents will be amazed at how “well you’ve done”. But if your parents do not approve, things can get difficult. As I stated previously, the Bible commands us many times to obey our parents. In James 1:5 it says “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” I think that if this situation arises, you need to spend much time in prayer and seek the council of your Pastor, your Pastor’s wife, or another godly man or woman that you trust to help you make the right decision.

I hope that this has given you insight into Biblical, modern courtship. I am more than willing, and would love to answer any other questions you may have on modern courtship.

All scripture taken from “The Adventure Bible” NIV

“All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16-17

“But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” 1 Peter 3:15