Grandma: Epilogue

The pain and emotions following Grandma’s death have been felt even more acutely than after losing Grandpa. While I was incredibly close to my Grandma, I think it’s also the cumulative effect of moving across the country, losing Grandpa, losing Grandma, and having other struggles, all in less than 3 months’ time. The saying “When it rains, it pours” feels very true for our family right now. While it’s easy to think, “What more could go wrong?” we are comforted to know that God calls us to “cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” (1 Pet 5:7) Whatever we’re going through, God can handle!

Since we’ve returned home, there have been a lot of emotions to process. We are slowly unpacking the mementos we brought home. One of the sad parts is not having Grandpa and Grandma around to explain things anymore. We never realized how often we hadn’t asked them the significance behind an object, who was in a picture, and things like that. There are so many unanswered questions, and it’s difficult not to know the answers.

For me personally, I’ll have a very good day followed by a bad day. There have been many times when I’ve slipped outside to take the dog on a walk and spent the whole time crying (makes me thankful for country life where I will only be passed by 1 or 2 cars in half an hour.) There have been nights when I’ve cried myself to sleep because I wish so desperately that they were here. While we know our separation from them is temporary, it still seems like ages until we’ll be together again. Our life here on earth has been permanently changed by their absence.

Friday night, I dreamed about them. I dreamed that we were all gathered at their house, just like we were after their deaths. But they were there. It was almost like they had come back to say goodbye before going on a long trip. Both my Grandma and Grandpa were at home (Grandma hadn’t been home since April last year) and happy to be surrounded by family. I gave them both long, lasting hugs and then they were gone. While the dream has haunted me a bit since I never had that chance to say a final goodbye to them, in a way it brings some closure. It was only a dream…but it feels a little bit like I was able to say goodbye to them.

I read a phrase in “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp that is so true: “I know the theological answers, but do my blood and my pulse?” There will be grieving, and questions without answers. But we trust every day that God is with us, and we CHOOSE to find our joy in Him alone. The road following Grandpa and Grandma’s deaths is long and hard, but we are all so grateful that we have a Savior who walks right beside us through it all. He has never left us, nor will He ever forsake us.