Grandpa: Part 4

~Monday, January 21~

 

This day is very difficult to blog about. Writing it required me to relive a lot of the emotions and the pain we felt. But I choose to write about it because I want to remember. I never want to forget my Grandpa and the impact he had on so many people.

 

Today was a day filled with moments that will forever be burned in my memory. There were times throughout the day when I wept so hard, it left me shaking. There were times when we laughed and smiled over the memories of Grandpa. Joy and pain were mixed together. It was a day that I never wanted to live through, but I know that I serve a God who is in control and has a reason for every heartache, every loss, and every tear.

 

Mom woke us girls up at 4:45 a.m. to start getting ready. We cycled in and out of the bathroom as quickly as we could since 12 people were sharing 1 shower. Our family finished by 6:00 a.m. and ate breakfast, although none of us were really hungry.

 

Another reason why we allowed so much time in the morning is because of the 3-day blizzard that began the night before. Total, we received 20 inches of snow. The cars needed to be cleaned off and it took us a lot longer to make the drive to the church.

We made it to the church just before 9:00 a.m. when the viewing started. We really had no idea how many people would come. Since my Grandpa was 85, a lot of his friends had already passed away. Add the bad weather on top of that, and we were expecting a pretty small group.

 

 

The funeral home did a nice job on Grandpa’s body, especially considering all the physical changes that had occurred the week before his death. It’s amazing to me how different a person looks when their soul is separated from their body. Our bodies truly are shells of the real person.

It was just our family at the viewing for the first half hour. There were many tears and hugs during that time.

Although we had requested donations to the church in lieu of flowers, we were very grateful for the families that sent flowers for the funeral. The funeral home was going to provide some flower baskets, but there had been a miscommunication and they didn’t arrive. So it worked out very well.

Quite a few people came to the viewing later on in the morning. Most folks had been very shocked by the news of his passing. A lot of very nice things were said about Grandpa as well. He touched so many people’s lives.

The twins and I actually missed the height of the viewing crowd because we were rehearsing and arranging things for the actual service. The Worship Pastor started playing the prelude around 10:45 a.m. and people began filing into the sanctuary. Grandma was due to arrive from the nursing home by medical transport at that time, but they ran a bit late due to the bad weather. We really appreciated Pastor H because he just kept on playing and playing while we waited.



Around 11:10 a.m., Grandma arrived. She was greeted by a mob of family and showered with lots of hugs and kisses.

This picture simultaneously makes me very happy and very sad. I love seeing our whole family together, supporting and loving on each other. But when I look at the picture I see that someone’s missing: Grandpa. He’ll never get to join our family at church again.

Photo Credit: Roma.

We had a private family viewing with Grandma. The funeral director presented her with an American flag in thankfulness for Grandpa’s service in the armed forces (he served in the Military Police during the Korean War.)

We all filed into the sanctuary to begin the service. The pallbearers brought the casket in and we began. They started off by showing the slideshow I had created with pictures from Grandpa’s life. I still get teary-eyed as the show comes to the last family picture taken at Christmas.

 

Following the slideshow, several scriptures were read by the Care Pastor who officiated the service. Pastor D has been a tremendous blessing to our family through all of this. Before this, I had really only known him as the Care Pastor of Grandma and Grandpa’s church. He usually gave announcements when we attended their church, and I remembered that he was a very good orator.

 

But Pastor D was also a friend to Grandma and Grandpa. When Grandpa was in the hospital, he came to visit every day. The scriptures he read at the funeral were the same ones he had read to Grandpa in the hospital. One of those scriptures was Psalm 23. When he read that to Grandpa in the hospital, despite the fact that he was fighting to breathe, he repeated it with Pastor D.

 

After the scripture readings, the family was invited to share memories of Grandpa. We had been asked to write out a tribute to Grandpa and share it at the funeral, if we wished. I think they were only expecting a few people to do it. Everyone in our family shared a testimony, along with one of my cousins.

 

I was especially proud of Josiah. He went first and read the words he had carefully written out. For a child who has never spoken in front of a crowd before, he did so well.

There were many tears shed as we shared our tributes to Grandpa. I don’t think there was a dry eye left in the sanctuary after everyone had finished.

 

They were originally going to open up the floor to anyone who wanted to share, but since so many family members spoke, they ran out of time. Pastor D shared some of the ways Grandpa blessed him personally as well as their church. I don’t think any of us really realized all that Grandpa did, all the ways that he served, and all the ways that he was a blessing to those he knew.

 

As a personal friend, Pastor D shared some about his relationship with Grandpa. There were several times when he choked up as he spoke. As someone who is so eloquent and poised, it was really touching to see how much he admired my Grandpa.

 

We moved on and sang 2 hymns that were found tucked in Grandpa’s Bible: “Blessed Assurance” and “When We All Get to Heaven.” I think a lot of us choked our way through “When We All Get to Heaven.” It’s a song that gives me an intense longing to be there.

 

To close the service, the twins and I sang “Come to Jesus.” I really wasn’t sure if we were going to make it through the song, but God gave us grace and steadiness to sing it all the way through.

Photo Credit: Josiah

After that, Pastor D closed the service in prayer. We exited the sanctuary into the fellowship hall where a luncheon had been prepared by some of the people from church.

 

Walking into the hall was when it hit me really hard. I turned and saw Josiah blinking back the tears and I lost it. Several other kids lost it as well and we all spent several minutes crying hard. Grandpa meant so much to us!

 

We dried our tears as the guests began streaming in for the luncheon. It was an amazing spread. We had somewhat been expecting a typical church potluck lunch, but we were shocked to find a feast fit for a wedding. The tables were decorated beautifully and the food was elegantly presented and so delicious. It was hard to believe that it had not been professionally catered! They truly did an excellent job.

 

The family going through the food line.

I talked for awhile with the Worship Pastor who is new at the church. After awhile I was pushed into the food line because all the family was already eating and guests were starting to go through the line. I really wasn’t all that hungry, but I knew I should try to eat something.



The spread included ham, rolls, potatoes, a green bean medley, a salad bar, applesauce, beets, pickled mushrooms, and different types of cakes and ice cream for dessert.

Grandma was supposed to return to the nursing home immediately following the service, but she was doing so well that we decided to have her join us for lunch. She did great all through lunch and I think seeing friends and family really lifted her spirits and boosted her memory.

 

We were amazed at how many people ended up coming to the service despite the bad weather. I would say there were at least 50 people there, plus the all the church friends who were working back in the kitchen. According to Pastor D, a lot more of the elderly church members would have come if not for the bad weather, which I understand completely.

 

I sat with Grandpa’s next-door neighbor during lunch. She has lived in the neighborhood about as long as my Grandparents have, and we have gotten to know her children and grandchildren very well over the years. She has watched us kids grow up, and often checked in on Grandma and Grandpa.

 

A couple sat down next to me, and I heard someone call the wife by her first name and it finally clicked who she was. She was the neighbor and church friend who had been checking in on Grandpa and called the ambulance for him. I enjoyed getting to talk with her and her husband. We are so incredibly grateful for them and all they did for Grandpa over the past several weeks! They brought him dinner, did laundry for him, and went grocery shopping for him. If she had not stopped in on Grandpa that day, his death might have been far more tragic. God really blessed us through them!

 

I spent so much time talking over lunch, that someone came up to me and told me that we were going to leave for the cemetery in about 10 minutes. The neighbors had left, so I quickly got some dessert and went to sit down next to Cousin E. He looked at me in mock shock and said, “You’ve been eating for the past two hours!” J I was quick to explain that my mouth had been moving for the past two hours, but that doesn’t mean I was eating that whole time. J I was thankful for those little moments of comic relief sprinkled throughout our very difficult day.

 

Leaving in 10 minutes turned to 20 minutes, which turned to 30 minutes, etc. The more people you have, the longer it takes to get them out the door. Grandpa had requested that there be no processional and that only family be present at the graveside. After changing into pants and snow boots (since it was less than 20 degrees out and there were about 8 inches of snow on the ground already) we all piled into our cars and headed for the cemetery.

 

When we arrived at the gravesite, the pallbearers took the casket out of the hearse and into the little tent that was set up.

It was bitterly cold out, so Pastor D said a few words and prayed.

Then it was time for the final goodbyes. I don’t think you can truly understand what it means to say your final goodbyes to a loved one until you actually go through it. While there is relief at the closure and knowing that Grandpa is finally Home forever, it is still one of the hardest things in life to do.

There had been a brief break in the snow and a tiny peek of sunshine while we were at the graveside, but it started up again as soon as we finished. We all took a look at the lid for the grave before getting back in the cars.

A few of us hiked through the snow to go see the actual burial site.

Looking at a gaping hole like that can bring great despair. The thought of my Grandpa lying in a hole in the ground is appalling. But my Grandpa isn’t really in the ground. The real Grandpa is with his Savior. The empty hole pictured above is going to be filled with a casket. But because of another empty tomb, I can have hope. Because Jesus Christ paid the price for our sins and left His grave empty on the third day, I can have hope that I will see my Grandpa one day and we will worship the Lamb together.

 

We returned home for the afternoon where we unwound after such a difficult day. Late afternoon we left to go visit Grandma. If we had not promised that we would come and see her, we would definitely not have gone. Even though the nursing home is only a couple miles down the road, the conditions were horrible. Dark was falling and we could barely see the car in front of us due to the rapidly-falling snow.

 

When we reached the nursing home we received a call from my other Grandparents. They were going to come over for dinner again, but they had started to drive and turned around. The roads were just too bad. We called Cousin E and recommended that he stay at his hotel. It was just too dangerous. After we visited with Grandma for awhile, we prayed our way back home. We really couldn’t even see the road.

 

Once we arrived home, we were welcomed by the dinner that the neighbor across the street had fixed for us. Miss N has brought over some form of food every time we have visited for the past several years. She has been a tremendous blessing to us by bringing Grandpa food and checking on him from time to time. The dinner she brought was huge, delicious, and comforting.

 

Going to bed that night felt good. I think it was the first time in the whole week that I slept well through the whole night. Thank God for His peace that surpasses all our understanding!

 

 

To be continued. . .

 

Grandpa: Part 3

~Saturday, January 19~

 

Today was mostly spent in final preparations for the funeral. Dad and Aunt Debbie continued making phone calls to relatives, friends, banks, and service companies. We started going through Grandma and Grandpa’s things as well. Dad combed through a lot of the financial papers. Grandpa kept meticulous records! He still had medical records carefully filed away that were from the 1980’s! Dad shredded a good deal and packed away what needed to be kept.

 

I worked on going through all of Grandpa’s pictures, pulling out ones of him for the slideshow. Some of us worked on our written tributes to Grandpa that we were going to read at the funeral.

 

With all the seriousness and sadness, we are so grateful for T and his comic relief! J I love my cousins!

Late in the afternoon my Aunt Debbie, the twins, and I went over to the nursing home to visit Grandma and decorate the display box outside her room. Almost all the other residents on her hall have theirs decorated, but for a long time she didn’t want decorations in hers. I think it made her feel like she was staying there permanently when she didn’t want to.

Photo Credit: Roma.

But we decided that it was time to decorate it anyway and brought some of her favorite pictures and knick-knacks from home. I think she liked it. J

 

We returned home that evening to a delicious dinner provided by an extended family member. The broccoli cheese soup was incredible! We were so blessed by all those that brought food for us.

~Sunday, January 20~

 

Originally we weren’t going to go to church on Sunday. There was so much to be done at the house, and we wanted to spend extra time with Grandma. But Dad had decided to go to church, particularly since they were hosting the visitation and funeral there the next day. One by one, the rest of us decided to go as well. I think we just wanted to do something that was normal after all the sudden changes.

 

Going to church was encouraging, but also saddening at the same time. Several of us shed tears during the singing as we looked to the end of the pew at Grandpa’s empty seat. He *loved* to sing and was part of the church choir for many years. But for the last few years, he was unable to sing with the choir due to his breathing difficulties. He now gets to sing with the heavenly choirs, and he will never run out of breath!

 

We arrived home from church and started warming up leftovers for lunch. We got a call from my Dad’s cousin who was driving up from Virginia. He had arrived in town and would be at the house in a few minutes.

 

Although we wished it had been under different circumstances, it was so good to see him! Out of all the family, I think he reminds me the most of Grandpa. He has the same mild, soft-spoken personality that Grandpa did. The world would be a much more peaceful place if everyone had personalities like them.

 

We thoroughly enjoyed catching up with Cousin E over lunch. He is such a joy to be around!

Photo Credit: Roma.

A couple hours later, we all piled into vehicles and drove over to visit Grandma. My Mom’s parents had just arrived in town from Ohio, so they joined us there as well. I think Grandma enjoyed seeing everyone.

After we visited with her for awhile, we picked up the lasagna we had ordered from a local restaurant and went home to eat. It was good to have a house full of people.

When the out-of-town family left for the night, the pace picked up to finish all the funeral preparations. We came up with a timeline for the next morning since 12 people had to be out the door by 8:15 a.m.

 

To be continued . . .

 

Grandpa: Part 2

~Friday, January 18~

 

The alarm woke me up around 2:30 a.m. I think I only got about 2 hours of sleep. But it was time to get up and ready so that we’d be on time for our flight.

 

We left our room around 3:15 a.m. and headed down to catch the 3:35 a.m. shuttle to the airport.

We rode the shuttle to the airport and had to wait until 4:00 a.m. to check in (that’s when the counters opened.) Thankfully the check-in process went well and no one was stalled going through security.

 

We made it to our gate with plenty of time before our 5:35 a.m. flight. It was a pretty quiet flight to Detroit. I dozed a little bit and watched the sunrise.

 

In Detroit we had to change concourses to catch our connecting flight. We only had about an hour layover, so we tried to move quickly. We finally found the right gate and started to settle in to wait. Some of us were discussing walking over to a different concourse to get something to eat at Starbucks. Over the PA system we hear an announcement that our gate had changed. Instead of C7, we were now at C36. Yes, that’s all the way at the other end of the building. We were running out of time so we quickly walked over to the gate. It was so crowded that we had to stand and wait for the flight.

 

By that time it was getting too close to boarding time to find anything to eat. So we munched on the snacks we had packed and waited. If we had known that they would delay boarding by 20 minutes we would have gotten something, but that’s life.

 

The flight to Pennsylvania was very short. We barely had time to get up in the air before we were descending again.

 

We collected our bags at the airport and waited for Dad and Aunt Debbie to pick us up.

Once they got there we had quite an emotional reunion. Grandpa’s death has been extremely difficult for them to handle. I have never seen both of them cry as often as I did that week. In a way it’s good because it means they loved their Daddy a whole lot. In another way it made it much harder for the rest of us to watch their pain.

 

We picked up our rental mini-van and drove out to the house. That’s when it really began to sink in. There was no Grandpa there to greet us. We used to have a little joke about going over to his oxygen machine and following the cord to find him.

 

I walked around to each of the rooms, just looking. He really wasn’t there. Several of us broke down. It was just so hard to be in that empty house where we spent countless hours of our childhood visiting with Grandma and Grandpa.

 

I walked down to my Grandpa’s workshop in the basement. I can’t believe he will never work down there again; never pick up another tool; never wear that blue coat.

We fixed ourselves some lunch while Dad and Aunt Debbie went out to deal with some of the banking issues. We quickly learned that there are myriads of logistics surrounding the death of a loved one.

 

While they ran errands, we went over to visit Grandma. She was pretty unresponsive that day. She opened her eyes once or twice, but other than that she didn’t respond. Parkinson’s is such a difficult disease to deal with. So often I believe that Grandma can hear us, but it’s physically too hard to respond. I just wish I knew what was going on in her mind, how she is processing all of this.

 

Even though she didn’t speak until the end (when she whispered “I love you” to each of us as we hugged her goodbye) we stayed for about an hour and just talked with her.

 

When we returned home we ordered pizza for dinner. We received word that our cousins (who were driving up from Florida) would be arriving soon and that Dad and Aunt Debbie were on their way home. They had been trying desperately to get access to the safety deposit box my Grandpa had. As my Grandpa had lost weight, his wedding band no longer fit. They couldn’t find the ring anywhere in the house and figured he had put it in the box for safe keeping.

 

But there are a lot of rules about who can access a safety deposit box, and they had to jump through a lot of hoops to finally get into the box at 5:50 p.m. on a Friday night. We were so grateful that they found the rings and that they were able to retrieve them in time for the funeral Monday morning.

 

That evening we enjoyed visiting with our cousins, but it was very bittersweet. Grandpa’s spot at the head of the table sat noticeably vacant. He will never get to enjoy a family dinner with us again, this side of heaven. For a man who was so quiet and reserved, his absence has left an empty, gaping hole in our hearts.

 

To be continued. . .

 

Grandpa: Part 1

I’m not completely sure where to begin in talking about my Grandpa’s recent death. There is so much that can be said, but in a way it feels useless; nothing will bring him back. Walking through the loss of a Grandparent has made me realize how insensitive I have been to others I know who have lost their Grandparents in the past. I used to think that if they had lived a long life and knew Jesus as their Savior that the family should be happy that they went to be with the Lord.

 

But I’m realizing that we can know that in our heads, but it’s hard to convince our hearts of that fact. It will always hurt, and it should. The more you love someone, the more it hurts to lose them, even if you know that loss is temporary.

 

Moving on from all of that, we have decided to post about this sensitive time for several reasons. This blog exists to bring glory to God, and we believe that He uses all things—good and bad—to bring more glory to Himself. This blog shares the daily life of our family, and this loss has been a big part of our daily lives as of late. We hope that He will use this blog about our daily lives as a Christian family to show others the hope we have found in Him. Although death is a difficult and sad topic, we grieve with hope unlike so much of the world—and we praise God for that!

 

So now to catch you up on what’s been going on in our family for the past few weeks . .

 

 

Those of you who have been reading our blog for awhile know how much time we spend visiting our Grandparents in Pennsylvania (my Dad’s parents.) As they have aged, they were unable to do many things. Over time we slowly did more and more for them when we visited. Back in April of 2012, my Grandma went into a nursing home due to complications from her emphysema and Parkinson’s. Her health has been on a bit of a rollercoaster. She has her good spells and bad spells. But after battling with emphysema for 16 years, Parkinson’s for 6 or 7, and living in the skilled nursing section of a nursing home for 8 months, we were preparing ourselves to lose her in the foreseeable future.

 

What we never expected was losing my Grandfather first, who has been relatively healthy up until the past few years. After visiting LOTS of doctors and ending up in the hospital, he was diagnosed with a rare neuromuscular disease/autoimmune disorder called myasthenia gravis. Over time, MG destroys the muscles in the body. In my Grandpa, his breathing continued to deteriorate as the MG weakened his lungs. He had been on oxygen for a little over a year. (Ultimately we believe his cause of death would fall under the myasthenic crisis umbrella.)

 

At Christmas we began to notice that he had really deteriorated and we began to discuss his need for nursing care. His breathing had deteriorated so much that he was having difficulty eating. My 6’2” Grandpa only weighed about 130 pounds at the time of his death. He could barely walk across a small room without becoming winded and needing 3 to 5 minutes to regain his breath enough to talk.

 

My Grandma had a breathing “episode” the week prior to his death and spent 3 days in ICU at the hospital. Due to the bad weather, a friend from church drove my Grandpa to the hospital to visit her one day. That was when the phone calls started. . .

 

This friend, as well as the Care Pastor from their church, felt that Grandpa needed a lot more help. Dad and his sister from Florida hired a Christian lady and her daughter to come out to his house to do laundry, cook for him, do grocery shopping, take him to Doctor’s appointments, etc. They were supposed to start on Tuesday the 15^th.

 

~Monday, January 14~

 

Today a neighbor and church friend came over to check on Grandpa and bring him dinner. She found him unable to talk, and having extreme difficulty breathing. She called Aunt Debbie and asked if it was ok to call an ambulance. She then put my Grandpa on the phone to talk with Aunt Debbie. When she asked if he wanted to go to the hospital, he cried out as loud as he could “YES!”

 

He was immediately rushed to the hospital where he was diagnosed with a collapsed lung. Later that evening as we drove home from Life Group, Dad talked with Aunt Debbie over the phone. She had decided to fly up the next day to be with Grandpa and assess the situation more.

 

~Tuesday, January 15~

 

We receive updates from Aunt Debbie throughout the day, but the really big update comes later that evening when Dad comes home from work. The nurse from the Critical Care wing had called him personally that afternoon. It was difficult for him to share with us what the nurse had said. They had been trying to re-inflate Grandpa’s lungs, but they weren’t staying inflated and he had asked in his will for no intubation nor iron lung. He had a small vacuum in his side that was keeping the air away from the lung so that he could breathe more comfortably. But whenever they tried to pull the vacuum away, the lung would start to collapse again.

 

There was a small chance that he would rebound from this, but we really didn’t know for sure. The nurse said it could be a few days before he passed, or a couple of weeks. He may not even make it through the night. Grandpa had asked for Dad several times, so Dad spent the rest of the evening booking a 5:30 a.m. flight out of Dallas. He didn’t get to bed that night until about 12:30 a.m., and then got up at 1:45 a.m. to start his trek to Dallas.

 

All of us went to bed troubled that night. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one crying and praying fervently that Dad would make it in time to say goodbye.

 

~Wednesday, January 16~

 

Dad arrived in Pennsylvania around 11:00 a.m. their time. He and Aunt Debbie spent the day with Grandpa and also went to visit Grandma in the nursing home. Once Dad saw Grandpa, he didn’t think he was going to make it through the weekend. They make arrangements for Grandma to come and visit him on Thursday morning. He tells us to buy plane tickets to Pennsylvania as soon as we can. I start working on a slideshow with pictures of Grandpa. I scour every photo file on our computer and pick out some music.

 

Mom and I stay up until midnight booking our flights and making a hotel reservation in Dallas for Thursday night. We also send out an emergency email to our Life Group at church, asking for someone who would be willing to drive us to Dallas the next night.

 

~Thursday, January 17^th~

 

Dad calls around 8:30 a.m. the next morning. They had just dropped off a coat over at the nursing home for Grandma for her visit to the hospital later that day. I talk with him for awhile, and then he abruptly says he has to go and hangs up.

 

At 9:00 a.m. he calls with the news we knew was coming but no one wanted to hear; Grandpa had passed away just 5 minutes before they had arrived at the hospital. The news didn’t shock us, yet it took awhile for it to begin to sink in. Our minds were spinning with so many details and trying to leave for Dallas on time.

 

My mind instantly filled with a flood of thoughts. Why hadn’t Grandma been able to say goodbye? Why couldn’t Dad and Aunt Debbie have been there when he passed? Although we think of those as regrets in human terms, I still have full confidence that God has known the day, hour, minute, and second Grandpa would die since the beginning of time. He knew what He was doing, and we have to trust that His timing was perfect.

 

That morning we make some frantic phone calls to find someone to take care of the pets, make arrangements to kennel the dog, and get a ride to Dallas. God is so good in His provision! A neighbor watched our cats, Mom took the dog out to the kennel and ran a few last minute errands, another neighbor agreed to drive us to Dallas, and the rest of us frantically packed.

 

Around 5:30 p.m. after lots of rushing around and dealing with defective suitcases, we make it out the door. Our neighbor packs up our things in her 15-passenger van, and we start driving.

 

On the way we stop at Arby’s for dinner. None of us really knows where the hotel is located, and after a few turn-arounds we make it to the hotel around 8:30 p.m. All 6 of us rotate through the single shower and crash in bed. I was the last one in the bathroom, and I didn’t make it to bed until 11:00 p.m. Between thinking about all that was happening and dealing with a protesting back, I think I got about 2 hours of sleep between 11:00 p.m. and 2:30 a.m. when the alarm went off.

 

To be continued . . .