Grandma, Part 1

My reaction to my Grandma’s death was very similar to what others have expressed: speechlessness. A part of me just feels numb from the pain of losing both Grandparents just 3 weeks apart. I am again reminded of how insensitive I have been towards others in the past. I used to think that if a person was sick and you knew they were going to die soon, that it somehow was easier to lose them.

But I was again, so wrong. We had been preparing ourselves to lose Grandma for the past several years, but that still didn’t lessen the pain of losing her. Writing these posts is going to be very difficult for me, and probably hard to read as well. We don’t believe in putting up facades, but rather try to post about the way things are. Life includes times of brokenness and beauty, joy and pain, peace and turmoil.

Before I talk about her actual death and the events following that, we have to go back about 16 years for some background on Grandma . . .

Back in 1997, Grandma was diagnosed with acute emphysema after she finally admitted to getting winded quite often. She had been a heavy smoker since she was 12 years old (she grew up on a tobacco farm) and that bad habit had finally caught up with her. The doctor gave her 2 or 3 more years to live if she continued smoking, and 5 or 6 more years if she quit. She quit cold-turkey.

Over time, her breathing continued to deteriorate slowly. Simple tasks like climbing a few steps or walking across the room became harder and harder as the years went by. But she was beating the odds the doctor had given her!

As time went on, we began to notice her hands trembling. She had trouble spilling things and knocking dishes together. In 2006, she was diagnosed officially with Parkinson’s Disease. Once again, she was only given about 2 more years to live.

Her health continued deteriorating from there. Several times she ended up in the hospital due to breathing complications or after a tough fall. There were many times when I thought we were going to lose her. But each time, she rallied and got well enough to leave rehab and go back home.

We visited Grandma and Grandpa in March, just before Easter. I distinctly remember standing out in their garage and thinking “I wonder if this is the last time we’ll have a normal visit here at Grandma and Grandpa’s house.”

On April 13—the day before we left on our cruise—she went into the hospital again. I think she might have fallen and they were concerned that she may have broken a hip. Following that hospital stay, she went into the skilled care section of a nursing home just a few miles from their house. She never went home after that. My uncle who is a physician had warned us of that.

When we went to visit her for Mother’s day, we honestly didn’t think she’d make it through the end of the year. She didn’t remember some of us, and her medicines were very imbalanced which caused her to have bad stomach problems and issues with slurring her speech. But once again, she rallied and surprised us in the summertime by how well she was doing, relative to all that happened. By then we knew that she would never come home, but we hoped that maybe we could move her to a nursing home in Texas or Florida so she could be near family.

At Christmas, we were very thankful that she was still with us. She was doing relatively well relative to earlier in the year. She spoke clearly, remembered who we all were (most of the time) and wasn’t having trouble with her stomach. Reflecting back, that time was such a blessing to our family. I am so thankful that she was doing well for her very last Christmas here on earth.

The week before Grandpa died, Grandma went into ICU because of a breathing/panic attack. Following that episode, she never stood up on her own again. She needed two orderlies to lift her up and she was always in her wheelchair.

Although she was pretty stoic about Grandpa’s death, we could tell that she was still grieving inside. She had an empty look in her eyes. What we didn’t imagine was that we would never see her again, following that visit.

The week of her death, Dad and his sister had been doing serious research into nursing homes in Florida and Texas. We hated the idea of Grandma being all by herself up in Pennsylvania. They had found a home in Texas that had openings in their skilled care unit, and they were preparing to ask Grandma if she would be willing to move.

~Friday, February 8~

Today Mom and I went out to run a few errands, just the two of us. I talked with her in the car a little bit about Grandma’s situation. I confided that I honestly didn’t believe she would live much longer. I hadn’t said anything to the rest of the family because I didn’t want to discourage them, but when we saw her in January, I had a feeling that she wouldn’t be around when we were planning to visit her in March. Dad thought she would live another 6 months at least. I honestly didn’t think she would survive a move, nor want to move. Even if she did move to Texas, I was pretty sure we would have to turn around and head back to Pennsylvania for her funeral.

Just that week, the nursing home had started to give Grandma pureed foods because she couldn’t swallow properly (one of the final stages of Parkinsons.) She had also been drinking thickened liquids since her stay in ICU.

That same day, Dad went into his boss’ office and told him that he thought we’d be making another trip to Pennsylvania this year to do a funeral for my Grandma.

That evening, I tucked myself in under my layers of blankets 15 minutes before my bedtime. I had woken up tired that morning, and was exhausted by the end of the day. I was really looking forward to a good night’s sleep.

Just after 11:00 p.m., the phone rings. At that hour, I know it can’t be good news, especially since all our family and most of our friends live in the Eastern Time Zone where it was already midnight. I quickly text Dad downstairs: “I’m never going to be able to sleep wondering who called at this hour? ~ Bianca”

Mom came up to my room, and as soon as she turned the lamp on and I saw her face, I knew what had happened. When she told me that Grandma had died, my first reaction was just shock. After she left the room, I burst into tears. I just couldn’t believe this was happening all over again. I was hurt and angry. Why did God allow us to lose you and Grandpa just three weeks apart? Didn’t He know that my shattered heart still hadn’t healed from losing Grandpa? Why didn’t He allow us to have time to say goodbye, to be by your side when you passed? How could He take you away from me?

I finally realized I wasn’t going to be able to sleep, so I went downstairs to Mom and Dad’s room. Dad was still on the phone. Mom told me that one of the nurses had gone to check on Grandma just before midnight and found her not breathing. She had a no-resuscitation order, so she was gone.

We were very grateful that all evidence pointed to a peaceful death. There are many painful ways to die of Parkinson’s…we were glad that she didn’t suffer any of those.

I went back upstairs to try to sleep again, but got up when Mom went into the office to scan a picture to send to my Aunt. I offered to do it since I couldn’t sleep anyway. I stayed up until about 2:00 a.m. working on a picture slideshow for the funeral.

~Saturday, February 9~

Daddy woke me up around 8:00 a.m. this morning and we all gathered in the boys’ room where Mom and Dad broke the news to the other kids. I think they were sad, but had known it was coming eventually. We quickly began packing while Dad looked up flights and made reservations.

~Sunday, February 10~

I woke up around 5:00 a.m. this morning to get ready. We packed up our things in the minivan and left the house around 6:00 a.m. to head for the airport. After re-routing a couple times around the airport, we finally found the parking lot. We caught the shuttle,  checked in, and went through security.

That’s when the problems began. Our flight was supposed to leave around 9:00 a.m. We boarded the plane, pushed back, and watched the flight attendants perform the safety demo. But then we stopped and pulled back in. The Captain announced that there was a problem with one of the indicators and they had a mechanic coming out to fix it.

We waited on the plane for about 45 minutes. The Captain came back on and said that it would be awhile before they had the plane fixed, so we were instructed to gather our luggage, go get something to eat in the airport, and return to the terminal in about 45 minutes.

So we went and got some bagels while we sat and waited for the plane to be fixed.

Photo Credit: Roma.

 After another hour of waiting, they finally announced that our plane was headed for the hanger and they were looking for a new plane. I was very thankful that we had a direct flight. Otherwise we would have surely missed our connection.

Another 45 minutes to an hour later, they announced our new gate. We gathered all our things, arrived at the new terminal, and waited another ½-hour to board that plane. Once we were on the plane, we waited extra long to take off because they needed to stock the plane. We FINALLY took off around 12:30 p.m., 3 ½ hours late.

We made it to the airport in Ohio and picked up our rental car to drive over to Pennsylvania. We stopped along the way to get a snack, and arrived at Grandma and Grandpa’s house in PA after 7:00 p.m. It had been a long and exhausting day, so we were grateful to have finally arrived.

Despite the circumstances, it was good to have brief moments of comic relief. Josiah borrowed our cousin’s aviator sunglasses and struck this pose. Too bad he doesn’t know about the bunny ears Aunt Debbie is giving him. J

To be continued . . .

A Bit of Catch-Up

Before I launch into all the posts needed to sum up what transpired following my Grandma’s death, I wanted to do a quick catch-up post on what happened at home between Grandpa’s death and Grandma’s death, just 3 short weeks apart.

Our family celebrated the Superbowl once again. We weren’t sure if we were going to celebrate or not for two reasons. 1.) We only received 1 TV channel with our antenna, and 2.) I was in Houston that weekend and couldn’t help with the cooking. But we caved for the first time in 6 years and purchased Dish TV and the twins and Ben helped Mom do the cooking.

We had BBQ chicken wings, pepperoni bread, stuffed meatloaf balls, bacon cheese puffs, baked potato spears with all the toppings, chips with salsa, veggies with dip, apple slices with honey peanut butter dip, grapes, and Coca-Cola cake.

Although we didn’t really care for either team playing (the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49’ers) we rooted for the 49’ers. The game ended up being very close with the 49’ers rallying from being down by 22 points to nearly winning the game.

The next day, our family hosted Life Group at our house (instead of adult Sunday Schools, our church has small Bible Studies that meet during the week in people’s homes.) We had a make-your-own-burrito dinner along with fruits and veggies, popcorn, Coca-Cola cake, and peanut butter cookies.

Photo Credit: Roma.

Josiah doesn’t normally come to Life Group, but the other kids *loved* playing with him this time. He nearly had a heart-attack when they mobbed him. J

Photo Credit: Roma.

While the adults had their study downstairs, we watched the kids upstairs in the twins’ bedroom. It was challenging to keep 6 kids ages 5 and under quiet, and also keep them from leaving the room and going downstairs. It was a bit chaotic, but I was thankful to have all my other siblings to help keep everyone entertained.

Photo Credit: Roma.

They really loved Josiah’s race car track. There was some bickering that needed to be broken up regarding whose turn it was to race their car, but most of them sat and played with it for a long time.

Photo Credit: Roma.

The kids really loved having Ben there to play with them (he normally stays at home with Josiah during Life Group.) They all seem to like him a lot!

All-in-all the night went very well, and we had a lot of fun hosting it!

Gone 2

Dear blog readers,

Friday night just before 12:00 a.m. my beloved Grandma passed away. There are so many details swirling in our heads as her death was quite a shock even though she has been very sick for many years. We never would have expected to lose both Grandparents only 3 weeks apart.

Due to all of this we will be taking yet another hiatus from blogging for a couple of weeks. Whenever you check the blog (or would normally check the blog) please take a moment to pray for our family. Pray for peace, wisdom, and comfort in our grief as we go through this all over again. Thank you.

~Bianca for the family

Recipe--Coca-Cola Cake

This recipe was found in our “5 Ingredients or Less” cookbook, and has been a favorite ever since! We had this cake as part of our Superbowl celebration this year (more on that next week) and it’s also a favorite Friday night dessert following our pizza and movie.

Coca-Cola Cake

One. pkg. chocolate cake mix

One 3-1/2 oz. pkg. instant chocolate pudding mix

¾ cup oil

10-oz. of Coca Cola

16-oz. container of chocolate frosting

Stir first 4 ingredients together. Pour into a lightly greased 13”x9” baking pan. Bake at 350° degrees for 40 minutes. Cool; frost. Makes 15 to 18 servings. (Note: Slices better the next day—but don’t let that stop you! J)

My Grandpa

~Posted by Bianca (Tribute written to share at the funeral)

Dear Grandpa:

At a time like this there can be so much to say, and so little to say. It hasn’t sunk in that you’re really gone and I’m not sure when it will. There have been so many thoughts and emotions swirling around in me over the past several days.

Some of the thoughts going through my mind have been the things you won’t be around for. That has probably been the hardest thing to think about. You won’t be here for my high school graduation this May. You won’t be able to hear about my month-long stay in Haiti this summer. I won’t have the pleasure of introducing you to my future spouse one day, and telling him that he has to compete with the character of my amazing Grandpa. J You won’t have the pleasure of meeting your first great-grandchild. I won’t be able to warm your coffee, weed in your garden, sit by your side and look at old photos, or wheel you through the nursing home to visit Grandma.

While you will not be here for all of this, there has been so much that you have been present for. You have left such an incredible legacy for your children and grandchildren. I have never known a more patient man in my life. In my 17 years of life, I only heard you raise your voice once. That time was pretty well justified; the child hurling Tinker-toys across the basement really needed to stop! J Whenever you prayed, you always found something to be thankful for no matter what kind of day you were having. And you prayed for us even when you could barely catch your breath. I will always remember your smiles and the way you liked to tease us kids from time to time. I’ll never forget the double hugs I’d give you whenever we said goodbye. One just wasn’t enough!

I don’t think I’ll ever find someone who can make fudge quite like yours. You always had a knack for giving us kids gifts that were really meaningful. You often sent us home with little sentimental items like old pictures, articles that belonged to you and your parents, your old tripod, and other gifts that will always be treasured by us. You were such a fine example of a southern gentleman. You have left an incredible legacy for your family.

Although the weight of losing you is crushing at times, I am reminded that you are oblivious to sorrows and pain now. You can sing at the top of your lungs with the heavenly choir. You can walk and run as you never have before. You can fill your lungs with the pure air of heaven. I believe your skills as an artist and a craftsman will make you appreciate the beauty of heaven all the more. You will never have to say another goodbye, never have to catch your breath, and never shed a tear that won’t be wiped away by the Savior you spent your life serving.

With this I must say goodbye to you, my dear Grandpa. There will be times of tears and sorrows, so please don’t be mad if I cry. I’ve never had the opportunity to live close to you, so please save a place for me right next to yours. I know we will meet again someday soon. I can’t wait to be with you there.

Love Your Granddaughter,

Bianca

Trip to Houston

Back on February 1^st, Dad and I left for a whirlwind trip to Houston. Our purpose in going was to meet with the board members of “A Child’s Hope,” an organization that I will potentially be partnering with (to read more on that partnership, go here.) We left for Houston Friday night after work, which ended up being around 6:30 p.m.

Our trip certainly started off with a bang. Dad was talking with Mom on the phone as we were driving down our road in the dark. Just as he hung up, he slammed on the brakes because there were 2 deer in the road! We almost never see deer, so it was quite a surprise to nearly hit them! Thankfully we had no other near-run-ins during our drive.

Although the drive to Houston took us almost 6 hours, it seemed so short relative to the drives we’ve made to Pennsylvania and Ohio over the past couple of months. I was slack-jawed the whole time we drove through downtown Dallas. That city is HUGE! I was also amazed at the number of accidents and police officers we saw. I think in this one weekend, between Dallas and Houston, I saw more police cars on the side of the road for accidents and traffic stops than I have in the last 6 months! While both cities are beautiful, I am perfectly happy living in the middle of nowhere. I could never get used to the amount of traffic.

*Disclaimer: I feel like I should apologize for the next four pictures. I was a little lazy while we traveled and took pictures with my iPod instead of my camera. They definitely didn’t turn out great, but there are just moments when I don’t feel like lugging a big camera around.*

Around 8:00 p.m., we stopped to get some dinner at Church’s Chicken. The chicken and biscuit was pretty good, but I’ve certainly had better.

Around 10:00 p.m., we stopped in the middle of nowhere because we saw a sign advertising Dr. Pepper slushies (driving late at night, we were both struggling to stay awake and something cold sounded like just the right thing to wake us up.) The place we stopped at—“Buc-ee’s”—was HUGE and busy for that time of night! It has 32 gas pumps, and a huge store inside. They had just about everything a traveler could want in there, and it was decorated very attractively for a gas station.

Again, another blurry picture because I felt a little ridiculous taking a picture of a jeweled longhorn skull in the women’s bathroom. J Is it just me, or would you have taken a picture too? Please tell me I’m not the only one who does stuff like that! J

The Dr. Pepper slushie certainly helped wake us up (and excuse my hand in the picture. It is definitely NOT that red, but the Instagram filter did that.)

 Alright, now that you’ve suffered through those 4 pictures we can move on. J Dad and I got to our hotel around 12:00 a.m. and got to bed around 1:00 a.m. The next morning, Dad got up at 7:30 a.m. to go running. I slept in, which felt a little strange because normally I’m the one getting up early to run. I got up and got ready shortly after that.

We left our hotel around 9:30 a.m. to head for the home where the meeting was being held. The weather was absolutely beautiful that day! I think it got up to around 76 or 77 degrees. That was enough to make this thick-blooded northerner wish she had worn a T-shirt! J

The home where we had the meeting was absolutely beautiful (the President of “A Child’s Hope” owns it.) I felt so welcomed by the other board members and was quickly put at ease.

We enjoyed a delicious brunch which we took outside. We ate by their stone fireplace as we discussed our organizations and their respective visions.

Dad and I with some of the board members.

We finished up at their house around 12:00 p.m. Dad and I went to get the car washed and had the oil changed. Next, we headed over to one of the local churches. The Pastor of our church in Michigan had taken on a new church in Houston back in June. When our family moved to Texas, we knew we had to get together since we lived that much closer to each other!

So we were thrilled to visit with Pastor R and his oldest son, R. We met them at the church and Pastor gave us the grand tour.

After that, we went out to a local barbeque restaurant. The food was really good, and the fellowship even better! J We were disappointed that the rest of our families couldn’t be there, but hopefully both families will all get together soon.

R and I enjoying lunch.

When I told Dad and Pastor to smile for a picture, I got pretty lame smiles. I made a joke about it, and that made them both laugh. J

Dad and I left Houston around 4:00 p.m. and got back home around 10:30 p.m. that evening after a few stops along the way. It was much harder staying up that night as opposed to the day before. I think it was because we had such a long and full day! Full stomachs may have had something to do with that as well . . . J

Our trip to Houston went very well and I’m so glad we had the opportunity to go!

My "Father-in-Love"

~Posted by Betsy (Tribute written to share at the funeral)

Dearest Father-in-Love:

You and I have been friends for almost 28 years. For 24 of those, you have been my favorite--and my only--"father-in-love." In that time, we have built countless memories together. You have seen me go from young, eager girlfriend to your only son, to young, naive wife, to young, super-busy mom of 5 young ones, all the way to now not-so-young wife and mother. Through all that growth and development, you have loved me like your own precious daughter.

I cannot begin to express what you have meant to me. You had so many wonderful Christian qualities; exhibited so many of the fruits of the Spirit. Without any proactive teaching on your part, I have learned so much from your quiet, humble example. From you I learned that "meek" is not "weak." I learned what it really looked like for a man to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. I learned what it meant to persevere under trial, for oh how many trials you have had! You showed me a living picture of unswerving, unconditional, till-death-do-us-part devotion to your wife.

You had a way of demonstrating love in every little thing you did. I love that you would send me emails with funny things you'd read, or beautiful photos you knew I'd enjoy, or stories that touched your heart and you wanted to share with me. I love that you could relate to each one of our children, knew their strengths and interests individually, and could enter into their passions with them. I love that you baked your special fudge for us every Christmas, and always made sure that sponge candy was in Mark's and my Christmas stocking. I love that you and Mark spoke faithfully on the phone every Sunday night. I loved that you read your Bible every morning, sitting on the mauve easy chair in your living room, or on the enclosed porch in nicer weather. I loved that you and R still enjoyed drinking coffee with me in the mornings when we visited. Lots of people don't drink coffee anymore, you know.

I loved how excited you would get about singing in the Christmas program at church for so many years. I loved that you loved jazz and Big Band music, like I do. I loved that you rode a rollercoaster with Ben that was too wild for me, and that you and R eagerly rode in Dad's plane with him. I loved that you never lost your southern drawl, nor your southern manners, nor your love for grits.

Most of all, I love that even though you are gone from here, you are very much alive!! To be honest, grandpa, I'm a little jealous of you. You are exactly where my soul so often longs to be. Because of that, right next to my sorrow, there is joy. I am thrilled that you are singing again...that you are breathing in aromas you've never experienced before...that you are moving effortlessly through time and space. I rejoice that you are face to face with the One who made this inheritance possible.

You have left behind a priceless legacy: a wife who adored you for 57 years; and two children who honored you with all of their hearts, who have faithfully served The Lord you serve, and who are even now passing that same legacy on to your grandchildren.

We love you, Grandpa, and we will see you again by and by!

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." (James 1:10)

Mom's Birthday

Back in January, Mom celebrated a very special birthday. While her age shall remain unknown, I can guarantee she doesn’t look as old as she is! J

 

Despite the fact that we had just returned home from Pennsylvania a few nights before, we tried to make her birthday as special as we could under the circumstances. Early on the morning of her birthday, we kids continued our tradition of making her breakfast in bed. We made enough cinnamon rolls so that everyone could enjoy some. J

 

That evening, we took Mom out to dinner. It was Dad’s job to pick out the restaurant. I will be very honest in admitting that at first I wasn’t all that thrilled when we drove up to the place he picked out. The catfish restaurant (that the rest of us had never been to before) wasn’t fancy at all. It didn’t seem quite appropriate for the occasion.

 

But by the end of the evening, I had completely changed my mind! Despite the casual atmosphere, the food was incredible! Mom couldn’t stop raving about it, and the rest of us all loved it. Never judge a restaurant by its appearance!

 

The birthday girl at the restaurant.

Dad ordered fried jalapenos and mozzarella sticks as an appetizer. I enjoyed their country-style lemonade (don’t ask me what makes it “country.”) Country or not, it was definitely southern-style. It was much lighter on the lemon and heavy on the sugar!

 

For dinner most of us had the ½ sized dinner. It included two HUGE catfish fillets and two sides. I had the black-eyed peas, and old fashioned ham and potato salad. It was delicious, but I regretted getting the ½ size. I only ate half the meal, so next time we go I’ll be sure to order the ¼ size!

After we ate, Dad suggested that we stop at one of the western outfitters stores nearby. His gift to Mom had been “permission” to purchase cowboy boots. J So we went over there just to browse.

 

The $400 jacket stayed at the store, but Mom did end up purchasing the boots she’s wearing in the pictures. They are really cute Ariat boots, and the rest of us are just slightly envious that she was the first one in our family to get true cowboy boots. J

Photo Credit: Roma.

After our shopping, we returned home and Mom opened her gifts. The boys gave her a Bed, Bath & Beyond gift card so she could purchase a new waffle iron (ours bit the dust after 23 years) and a new coffee grinder. Roma and Rubia gave her a gift card to Bath & Body works so that she could stock up on her favorite lotions and sprays.

 

I gave her a big container of Whoppers, one of her favorite candies. I had also worked on 2 gifts that were from many people, but I had done a lot of the behind-the-scenes work on preparing the two gifts.

 

The first was a framed document. On it was written “Blessings of Betsy” that all of us came up with. Mom is such a blessing to us all and we wanted to express that.

I had also sent out a letter (unknown to Mom) to her friends and family. Mom’s love language is words of affirmation. I asked our friends and relatives to write Mom a note or a letter, expressing words of affirmation for her. We had a great response from people, and Mom *LOVES* the book.

Following the presents, we had her birthday cake (Chocolate Turtle Cake.) I had no idea where she had put the birthday candles, so we put votive lights on the cake. J It still tasted just as good!

Photo Credit: Roma.

And that was Mom’s birthday in a nutshell! We are so grateful for her and the ways she blesses us. We hope to celebrate many more birthdays with her!